Lancashire Be Known

Once upon a time in the great vast emptiness, there was nothing. Except God, of course. And God had an itch to go bouldering, so he created the world in which to place a multitude of rock forms. Then he created man to brush these boulders and keep them clean so that when the conditions were ripe, God could nip out after work and crush* his projects without having to worry about scrittle. Over time, the race of man became somewhat confused about its reason for being. Some men worshipped false pop idols. Some men became lost upon meaningless paths (usually in Ikea). Some men turned to the devil, who lured them with cams and nuts and other gaudy baubles.

God was greatly disgusted with the antics of man. He abandoned his physical existence on earth and took up residence EVERYWHERE, a bit like fungal spores. He gave man one last chance for redemption. He gave man the ability to boulder and to worship him through this divine activity. And slowly but surely, the number of his disciples has grown. Bright pockets of faith now blaze across the land, but in Lancashire the holy light has flickered only dimly and erratically.

This has to change. There’s some flippin’ brill bouldering in Lancashire. Thorn Crag, Longridge, Brownstones. Those are for starters, but they are only the tip of the boulder-berg. If you like natural grit, try Stony Edge, try Dove Lowe, try the Bull Stones. If you like quarried rock, try the Wiltons, try Stanworth, try Stronstrey Bank.

I wrote a guidebook and everything, so now you’ll know where to go. It’s called Lancashire Bouldering and it contains 300 pages of bouldering goodness. You can buy it from this very site.

Anyway, I plan to post videos here of some of my favourite problems, but for now check out the video on top of these words for a little teaser.

*I generally avoid using the word “crush”. We can’t let those pesky Americanians take over, can we? But on this occasion I think it’s justified. When God boulders, he crushes.